


The Middle Ground

by yikesola



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2018, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, interactive introverts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 06:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19223893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/pseuds/yikesola
Summary: Is a coming out video all that important if he’s only confirming what he hasn’t bothered to be subtle about in recent years? Yes, it is. Of course it is. Ugh— he just keeps going round in a loop. It’s a loop he’s been going round and round for so many months that he finds himself revisiting it here on an Australian beach as the early September morning slips into afternoon. Because there’s hardly any time to stop and think while on tour, and here he’s found one.A fic about timing and long-learned habits.





	The Middle Ground

It’s hard to unlearn habits they only learned in the first place for their own protection. 

It was the right choice at the time, they both agree about that. To not disclose their sexuality; to not disclose their relationship. But now is not then. Their priorities are different. And the habits they ingrained so carefully are standing in the way of their happiness now, not carefully shielding their happiness from harm the way they had intended. 

It’s a process. One they’re working on, but one that takes time. And they know that, they do, but sometimes they feel a little impatient. 

Thing is, they have different approaches. Phil is generally fine with people knowing, not knowing, whatever. Always has been. He’s good at tunnelling his vision, just not lashing out the way Dan did when his emotions were a little too volatile to do anything else. Phil just had an anxious habit of shutting it away, of looking forward and smiling to the camera and figuring he’ll say what he wants to say when he wants to say it. Or maybe not. It seemed like something he could indefinitely set aside and suffer no true ill from. 

Dan’s different. He’s flipped 180 degrees in the last few years— he was desperate for people not to know, now it’s always on the edge of his tongue. He bites it back though, because he wants it to be right. He wants to say it right. It’ll be the most important video he ever makes, he thinks. 

No, that’s not really true. He’s always going back and forth. Surely “Daniel and Depression” was so terrifyingly important when he made it. And he thinks about posting his first, cringy, oft-ridiculed video all those years ago and about how that’s surely the most important if only because it was the first step in this crazy long journey to today. And surely others that aren’t coming to mind were more important than he’s giving them credit for. His last “real” video, before all these months he’s taken off from posting, maybe. And, really, is a coming out video all that important if he’s only confirming what he hasn’t bothered to be subtle about in recent years?

Yes, it is. Of course it is. 

Ugh— he just keeps going round in a loop.

It’s a loop he’s been going round and round for so many months that he finds himself revisiting it here on an Australian beach as the early September morning slips into afternoon. Because there’s hardly any time to stop and think while on tour, and here he’s found one. So, of course, it led to spiralling. _Of course_ it would. 

He just, he can’t believe it’s already September. Four months since he thought he’d have done something about these loops, these loops that tell him _yeah… June’s a good month to do it, to come out properly, to explain yourself and move forward authentically… to Live Your Truth…_

But June’s been and gone. And he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready, Phil wasn’t ready, a million tiny things added up and now it’s September. And the walls of their glass closet are shiny, so transparent— still undoubtedly there. 

The thing about glass closets is they’re fucking comfortable. He thinks he could hide in there forever, during moments he isn’t consumed with genuineness and authenticity. He doesn’t want a closet that looks like Miss Trunchbull’s chokey— he’s worked hard for one that’s glass and shined so clean that birds routinely fly into it because they can hardly see them. But it is there. He wants it to be there, when he needs it. He doesn’t want to be without one entirely. Not quite yet. 

Dan’s shaken from his spiral by the sound of Cornelia’s laughter, shrieking from the shoreline as she and Martyn run into the waves up to their ankles and get chased back further with each roll. He watches them for a while. He loves that the four of them have this time here together. 

Phil is sitting beside him on the sand, leaning back with his hands above his towel. Dan watches Phil’s little finger brushing along the sand lightly, back and forth and back and forth. It’s creating a smooth little surface in its wake. Phil doesn’t seem to even notice he’s doing it. He’s looking towards the waves, towards his brother who has wrapped an arm around Corn’s waist and keeps laughingly pushing her further and further into the water until she scrambles back. 

Phil’s wearing sunglasses, but Dan imagines Phil’s eyes must be on Martyn’s hand round Corn’s waist. That’s where his eyes go, when they aren’t on Phil— he watches the casual touches, so uncomplicated, so unassuming. He’s lived his entire life equal parts desiring such casual touches and fearing them: dreading what it would mean if somebody, anybody, _saw_. 

Maybe Phil isn’t thinking about that, Dan supposes. Maybe Phil’s just watching. Watching the sea and the sky and the birds flying overhead. 

He’s beautiful. Dan always thinks he’s beautiful, but there’s something added about the warm Australian air and the bright saturation of all the colours he sees before him: the blues and tans and pinks. He takes his phone out of his pocket and snaps a few photos, a habit Phil is often more guilty of, but he has his own fair share of candid snaps on his camera roll. 

He just wants to remember this exhale, even if the spirals and loops were clouding his brain only a moment ago and are sure to come back the second he lets his guard down. He wants to remember this, how Phil’s shoulders look as he leans back and how the wind is sending loose strands of his quiff in all directions. 

He even thinks he just might post it later. They’ve been posting loads of instastories over the course of the tour, a casual enough way to stay connected to the audience while they’re so busy and also an outlet for the kind of authenticity they’ve never felt they could indulge in. Maybe if he’d actually posted that June video, he’d have captioned the photo something like “the view was pretty but he’s prettier <3” but it’s just as likely the idea of such a sappy caption would make him gag. Doesn’t really matter, of course. The difference would be knowing he _could_. 

In the end, he does post it. And he does so without a caption. It’s the middle ground they’re good with for now. The middle ground that seems hard-won considering what years and years of fear and isolation and self-hatred look like filtered into today. 

He shows Phil the photo, among the others from the day, before he posts it, and Phil laughs about how messy his hair looks. They both laugh about that, actually. Phil’s still learning the ins and outs of quiff styling. Then he shows Dan the photos of palm trees and rainbow ice cream he’s gonna post. 

They both kinda understand that they could post something without this little moment of checking in. It’s just nice, a courtesy. They’ve long been in the habit of making sure anything they share is something they’re both comfortable with. Something as big and scary as a June video Dan may or may not drum up the courage for next year, or something as innocuous as a picture of Phil lounging on the beach. 

They just want to be sure. 

It’s hard to unlearn habits they only learned in the first place for their own protection, but it’s a hell of a lot easier unlearning these things together.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading— come say hi on [tumblr](http://yikesola.tumblr.com/post/185610327264/the-middle-ground) !


End file.
